darkplace | interviews | actor biographies | episode synopses | character biographies

The following are transcripts of interviews that myself and Dean were contractually-bound to sit through. Generally I tried to vary my answers.

INTERVIEW ONE

What is fear?
Garth: Getting my tax bill! But seriously, I wouldn’t like it if a hell beast forced me to eat my own hands.
Dean: Or a Nazi.
Garth: No. I wouldn’t like to eat a Nazi, despite what they’ve done.

Why do we love to be frightened?
Dean: I don’t know. No-one likes paying tax

What, scientifically speaking, is the most frightening thing ever?
Garth: I’m not a scientist. I’m a fabulist, a shaman, a ferryman, a dreamweaver. But that’s not to say I don’t put forward scientific propositions. In Black Fang, I dared to suggest that if pollution kept progressing at its current rate, rats would soon be able to drive buses. This week, as I sauntered through Soho, I witnessed a rodent sniffing curiously round a discarded rollerskate. Are we really so far away from my apocalyptic vision? I fear not friend.

The show was banned for being “too frightening” – exactly what form did C4’s censorship take?
Garth: Ah, there’s the rub mon brave. Was it C4, or was it the government? The censorship of this went all the way to the top.
Dean: We’ve had word NATO may have been involved.
Garth: People are afraid of what they can’t understand – Jimmy Saville springs to mind. This show is light years ahead of its time. If I didn’t need to write the programme off as a tax loss I probably wouldn’t have had it shown till the fourth millennium, a time when Man’s evolution might mean He’s ready to fully appreciate my gift.

Can you recall any incidents from production meetings?
Garth: I remember it as an exhilarating exploration of possibilities. Each day we dreamed harder and higher.
Dean: I was drinking quite heavily at the time, so I can’t recall too much of anything.

What’s the secret of Garth’s talent?
Dean: The secret to his talent is that he’s a flipping genius. I’ve worked with the greats, from Rick Astley to Maureen Lipman – and Garth is just that little bit more special.

What does Dean bring to the party?
G: My money.
D: Actually, that’s an over-simplication. I bring protection. The River Styx is swimming with sharks and I just don’t appreciate Garth being taken for a ride. Not financially anyway. I mean, I don’t object to taxis. Though if you were to cross the Styx, you’d have to pay the ferryman. There’s no cab service to speak of.
G: That’s one of the reasons why it’s hell.
D: By the way, when I said I bring Garth protection, I didn’t mean that I buy his condoms.
G: No. I have a PA for that. Well, not just that. She also tackles my admin.

INTERVIEW TWO

How did your literary aspirations begin?
G: Why the obsession with how things begin? It’s so western to assume that things must have a beginning. My path has no beginning, it has no end – it’s part of the great dance. I’m folklore now. But if I had to select a genesis it would be when my parents bought me a twenty-piece set of colouring pencils one Christmas. I started composing young, like Mozart. But, unlike him, I didn’t waste my early promise.
D: Garth has no literary ambitions. He just wants to write great books.

2. Do you have a mentor in the world of horror fiction? Who are your greatest influences?
G: My greatest influence has always been myself. I’m essentially a loner - out there pushing back the boundaries of the fantastique, trying to raise the level of human consciousness. I’m often amazed by my own innovations in the genre, which can lead to excessive hero-worship at times. But I’ve learned to relax about myself and move on. Other than that, I do like Terry Pratchet
D: As far as I’m concerned there is only one horror writer: Garth Marenghi. He is both the be all and the end all of the genre.

3. Which of your characters is your favourite?
G: Which is your favourite child? How does one answer? Very well, I shall try. My favourite character is probably Dr. Rick Dagless M.D., the maverick Romford-based doctor I play in Darkplace.
D: Although I’ve always admired Babs Landerton, the vigilante tick expert and amateur Egyptologist from Garth’s 1979 novel, The Deadly Dust, incidentally his only female protagonist to survive more than six chapters.

4. Do you ever get writers block?
G: Never. But on the few occasions that I do, I just write through it. There’s no such thing as writer’s block. Just hold the pen and move it.
D: Writer’s block is like any other form of impotence. It’s an affliction of the weak. Neither Garth nor myself are weak.
Additionally, Garth never re-drafts his novels. Which is not to say that he’s not a perfectionist. He’s just a perfectionist who gets it right straight away.

5. Are we likely to see film adaptations of your work?
G: There has been one attempt to adapt my vision to the big screen. Let me recount to your readership une histoire (a story) that was a horror story in itself. First slap in the face of Black Fang: the Movie aka Rat Attack -- I left most of the admin to my then PA Linda Scott.

She sold the rights to a fledgling company, nominally based in Camden - actually based in Malaga, Spain. They then sold the rights to their parent company, who, at that stage, were mainly churning out Italian kung fu. They folded, and so the rights passed to a Czech animation company who did the majority of their business in Germany. And, owing to financial cutbacks, it was filmed mainly on location in Croatia, with a largely Hispanic cast.

Furthermore, the director said he couldn't use live rats because they'd be too hard to control, so they dummied up two hundred Jack Russells' and then filmed them through a filter. And they looked pretty good from a distance, but then the barking started. I mean, with the best will in the world they couldn't edit out all the yapping which in turn meant that everything was dubbed from scratch.

God knows what happened to those poor animals: I doubt they found homes for all of them.

D: Here's an example of the scale of their idiocy. In the climactic denouement the giant rats have developed the ability to drive London's historic red buses. But these jokers had them driving Skodas, so of course, it looked ridiculous.

G: Regarding the lead, I wanted Charles Bronson, but all they could cook up was some Australian chancer with a background in panto and porn.

6. Vampires, werewolves, witches, telekinesis, satanic visitations - is the supernatural really out there or just the stuff of horror fiction?
G: I’m a skeptic. But I’m a skeptic with a small ‘c’. I have never seen a ghost, but I believe I’ve been stroked by one in my sleep. I firmly believe in telly kinesis, though. I’ve bent seven forks in my life and last year I floated a big egg two inches above the ground.

7. Would you describe yourself as a visionary or prophet? If so, is it fair to say that your work isn't entirely yours?
G: Visionary; prophet; seer, shaman; soothsayer; dreammaster; ferryman; worldweaver; ; augur: oracle: mystic – take your pick.

D: A psychic once told Garth he doesn’t write his own books; a hell beast pens them for him in another dimension. If that’s true, it’s doing a bloody good job. But of course, Garth does write them, which simplifies copyright issues.

8. So why does a spiritually guided author need a Svengali manager?
G: Money.
D: Actually, that’s an over-simplication . I just don’t appreciate Garth being taken for a ride. Not financially anyway. I mean, I don’t object to taxis. You know, it is the gift of the artist and the curse to have to suffer the burden of seemingly limitless empathy. In may ways, like Christ. But Garth doesn’t even have the support of his dad. Doesn’t have that crutch to lean on. I try and half-shoulder that heavy weight as humbly as I know how.

9. [Question nine was inappropriate]

10. How did the idea for your TV show Darkplace come about?
G: Where did Darkplace come from? Why do fools fall in love? Why does Man strike his fellow Man? The tale had become inevitable. This series was destined to be. I plucked it from the ether.
D: Garth: you told me that you thought television to be a greater art form than the novel, because you don’t have to leave things to the reader’s imagination, could you continue that wonderful observation?

G: Certainly. In a book, I might describe a character, and the reader, through no fault of his own, but basically through his or her own ignorance, might picture that character wrongly – might make him too tall, or too short, he might get the voice wrong, and so on, and so on. These actors I’m working with now, and it is working with, TV is a necessarily collaborative endeavour, are the precise heights I want. You know, they’re wearing the clothes that I pictured when I wrote the parts, and they’re doing the voices that I did to them… and they’re leaving the gaps between words that I told them to leave. So it’s far more complete as a work.

D: Thank you.

11. It was penned in the Eighties. Why was it not aired then?
G: Society wasn’t ready. The so called ‘powers that be’ were scared of my vision. I believe that MI8, which is three levels above MI6, pulled the plug. Even last week someone sent me a dead fish in a jiffy bag. The truth, it seems, continues to hurt.

D: I didn’t realise the channel had to agree to put it out. We made the programme, gave it to them, and they told us they never asked for it in the first place, and could we leave reception. I said, ‘How dare you – we’ve spent two months of our lives making this show.’ They said that ‘wasn’t their concern’. I said, ‘What happened to initiative in this country?’ They said, ‘We’re calling security.’

12. What’s changed now?
D: Sweet FA. This country’s still a shit-hole.

G: I think they’ve moved reception to the west side of the building.

13. How does it feel to have finally been given a place on the TV schedules?
G: I feel vindicated. I only regret we won’t be able to change the world like we would have done had the show aired back then.

D: Great. It’s very rare that you get to make history and television at the same time. And recoup your investment.

14. What will the show’s format be?
G: Watch it and see. All I will say is ‘revolutionary.’

D: And all I’ll say is that you do not sit down and watch Darkplace and stand up the same person who sat down. But, more precisely, it’s in six half hour ‘chunks’.

15. How will a horror show fare against reality TV etc in the ratings?
G: I imagine it won’t seem as horrific as reality TV. Heh heh heh.

D: That’s wonderfully dry, Garth. You see – Garth’s funny and scary. The full package. But seriously, Darkplace will be received with the open arms of acclamation. Perhaps not immediately, but that is the fate of great artists. Only now, with their current single ‘Flip Reverse it’, are Blazin Squad receiving their due.

G: I think TV is at a stage where people will run screaming from other channels, hoping to catch a show like this. Hopefully, they’ll run screaming from us as well! For different reasons, though, i.e. because the show is scary and not sub-standard.

But who knows how it will fare? People are always been afraid of the truth. I anticipate complaints about the contents of this show, I don’t think I’d be doing my job if there weren’t complaints. This is heavy stuff. In the c17th I probably would have been burned as a witch for writing what I do. Now they leave such cruelties to the critics. Heh, heh, heh.

INTERVIEW THREE

What constitutes your ideal night in front of the TV?
Garth: Sharing a barbecued chicken with my wife Pam and re-watching episodes of Darkplace. Their message rings truer with each subsequent viewing.

Which show do you wish you had been involved with?
Garth: Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. Brutal, truthful television.

When was the last time you swore at the telly?
Garth: I can’t remember the last time I didn’t swear at the telly. As my publisher Dean Learner has noted, there’s more dignity in pornography.

What's your favourite TV snack?
Garth: Roast meat of one kind or another. I’ve got a meat tooth and I try to eat five kinds a day.

What would you walk out of the room to avoid?
Garth: I don’t run scared from anything.

What's the most interesting thing you've seen in the last six months?
Garth: Obviously, Darkplace. It has rendered all subsequent and previous television redundant. But I do like Professor Robert Winston. He has a friendly face, and thanks to him I now understand most science.

Which programme do you remember most affectionately from your youth?
Garth: I didn’t really watch anything. I spent my youth writing groundbreaking fantastique fiction.

What made you howl with laughter recently?
Garth: My tax bill. Laughter is often a sign of fear. Heh heh heh.

What's the naughtiest thing you've done in front of the TV and what was on at the time?
Garth: I sometimes watch TV in just my briefs and cowboy boots, if it’s a weekend.

INTERVIEW FOUR

Did you take any inspiration for the show from classic British efforts like Tales Of The Unexpected or perhaps the Hammer House Of Horror?
Garth: I am my own inspiration. I try not to read or watch anything that I haven’t created myself.

Do you rate any of these 'classics'?
Garth: See above.

If not any of the above, then what examples of modern horror do you find an inspiration?
Garth: See above.

Dean: As far as I’m concerned there is only one horror writer: Garth Marenghi. He is both the be all and the end all of the genre.

Was there a time as a child when you knew that horror was your calling in life?
Garth: I suppose my calling came at birth. I remember thinking to myself, “Garth, you’ve got to survive this one. This is the first of many tests. Hold the hell on.” It wasn’t a picnic for my mum either, but I definitely bore the brunt of it. At least she had painkillers. I got nothing. It was an awful, horrific time, but it taught me how to fight. I refer back to that birth constantly, be it on the page, be it on the canvas.

Dean: It’s true. Garth started composing young, like Mozart. But, unlike him, he didn’t squander his early promise.

Have you ever experienced any supernatural anomalies in real life?
Garth: You know a medium once told me that I don’t write my novels. A demon writes them for me in another dimension. Well if that’s true, he’s doing a bloody good job! But seriously, I discourage anyone to dabble with the Hornéd One, especially children.

Dean: I’ve known my fair share of witchy women and all I can say is stay well clear. I am superstitious: I would never milk a cow from the wrong side or kiss Satan’s ring.

Dean, how did you find life in front of the screen when filming the show? Do you prefer being behind the scenes pulling strings and suchlike?
Dean: There’s more to producing than just pulling string. If I was just sat behind the camera tugging at a big ball of string all day we would probably have got even less done than we did. That said I appreciate the fact that I’m not an actor – I’m no Shane Richie. However, I told myself that all I had to do was get Garth’s magical words in the right order, and with the intonation more or less there, and the script would speak for me.

Garth, you say that you're one of the few people to have written more books than they have read. Are you proud of this?
Garth: Of course. But how can one be truly proud of a divine gift like mine? I am merely humbled by it.

Dean: He’s a great artist. With each new novel I think ‘Thank you, Garth. This piece of work has made me think and shit myself.’

Garth: And it ain’t any Tom, Dick or whomever can do that no more.

INTERVIEW FIVE

Garth Marenghi, tell us what first interested you in the horror genre?
Garth: I suppose my calling came at birth. I remember thinking to myself, “Garth, you’ve got to survive this one. This is the first of many tests. Hold the hell on.” It wasn’t a picnic for my mum either, but I definitely bore the brunt of it. At least she had painkillers. I got nothing. It was an awful, horrific time, but it taught me how to fight. I refer back to that birth constantly, be it on the page, be it on the canvas.

Dean: It’s true. Garth started composing young, like Mozart. But, unlike him, he didn’t squander his early promise.

How many horror novels have you written, and could you give us some titles,
please?
Garth: Many, many, many my friend. In fact, I’m one of the few people you’ll meet who’s written more books that they’ve read. My oeuvre includes Black Fang (rats learn to drive), The Ooze (can water die?), and Afterbirth (a mutated placenta attacks Bristol). All done and dusted I must have penned a tonne plus change.

DEAN: Garth is prolific because he never gets writer’s block and he never re-drafts. Which is not to say that he’s not a perfectionist. He’s just a perfectionist who gets it right straight away.

Who are your inspirations from the world of horror writing?
GARTH: I don’t really see anyone else doing what I’m doing in the field right now. I think that, if they shared my humility, they’d admit that most of their work is cribbed from me.

How did the transfer to television come about?
GARTH: Where did Darkplace come from? Why do fools fall in love? Why does Man strike his fellow Man? The tale had become inevitable. This series was destined to be. I plucked it from the ether.

Yet the show was never aired. Why?
G: Society wasn’t ready. The so called ‘powers that be’ were scared of my vision. I believe that MI8, which is three levels above MI6, pulled the plug. Even last week someone sent me a dead fish in a jiffy bag. The truth, it seems, continues to hurt.

D: I didn’t realise the channel had to agree to put it out. We made the programme, gave it to them, and they told us they never asked for it in the first place, and could we leave reception. I said, ‘How dare you – we’ve spent two months of our lives making this show.’ They said that ‘wasn’t their concern’. I said, ‘What happened to initiative in this country?’ They said, ‘We’re calling security.’

Is it because the acting was more wooden than wood itself?
GARTH: The acting is heightened, as it is in all works of the fantastique.
DEAN: I must admit that I sometimes let the squad down.

You even gave Dean Lerner a starring role, yet he¹s clearly no actor. In fact,
he¹s your publisher
DEAN: Look, I appreciate the fact that I’m not an actor – I’m no Shane Richie. However, I told myself that all I had to do was get Garth’s magical words in the right order, and with the intonation more or less there, and the script would speak for me.

After the bit where Larry Renwick explodes, leaving only his head, which thinks and talks to your character, you say, ‘I have never exploded.
But I know what it would be like’. How?
GARTH: It’s called an imagination.

Dagless’s spectacles: actual ocular aid or vain fashion accoutrement made from plain glass?
DEAN: Put the flipping thesaurus away, sunshine. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from working with Garth, it’s that no-one’s impressed by long words.

Have you ever had an affair with Dean Lerner, who is a bit camp?
GARTH: No. But I have smoked pot.
DEAN: I’m not camp. I’m debonair.

Your final words? (Perhaps an epitaph fit for a gravestone, or just a tip for
our readers.)
Dean: The beauty is that Garth’s words aren’t final. They’re infinite. They’ll live forever in the tales he’s told, should they remain in print.

Garth: But if I had to have an epitaph it would probably be ‘you’re welcome’.

INTERVIEW SIX

Six people allegedly died in the making of Garth Marenghi's Darkplace.
Would you call yourself a harsh director?
GARTH: They say it's a poor workman who blames his tools, but given that my tools were poor workmen, the opposite is true in this case.
I would gladly have given my life for Darkplace. The fact that half a dozen crew members were called to make that ultimate sacrifice is down to Madame Chance. We’ll all raise an ale together in Valhalla.

It’s been claimed that Darkplace is a cult series, even though no one’s
actually seen it yet. How has the show managed to achieve this status do
you think?
GARTH: The show has been out for several years in Peru, and has won two awards there already. It’s probably been all over the internet ever since. (By the way I predicted the web in my short story Mindgrid back in the 70s – I’ve received no credit or money for this.)

As well as writing and directing the series, you play the lead role, Dr
Rick Dagless. Your business associate Dean Learner believes you had too
many fingers in too many pies. What do you have to say to that accusation?
GARTH: I may have had many fingers in many pies, but at least I didn’t have them in the till or up my own arse. Besides, I doubt Dean really said that. He’s got too much respect for me, if such a thing is possible.

What inspired you to set your series in a haunted hospital?
GARTH: The whole thing is a metaphor for human evolution. Man, in the process of healing his fellow man, is forced to confront the chaotic forces of darkness within Him, symbolised in the programme by the gates of hell opening underneath Darkplace. Each week the human race is led one step closer to enlightenment. It was cheapest to set this in a hospital because Dean had some nurses uniforms left over from his film Dr. Thrill Dare.

Your classic chiller, The Ooze, posed the question, can water die? Well,
can it?
GARTH: Read the book and you’ll find out. (But, yes, it can.)

Alice Lowe did a very good performance as a camel in your Perrier-winning-show Netherhead (particularly in her chewing motions). Did you almost
believe that she was a camel by the end?
GARTH: No. I always knew she was human.

You are a celebrated horror fiction writer. But we’d be interested to hear
about your own taste. What book are you reading at the moment?
GARTH: I am currently re-reading my novel ‘Eye Sore’. Its message rings truer with each subsequent visit.

Stephen King. Friend or foe?
GARTH: Good buddy. No one deserves to be hit by a truck.

You’re on a first date. You really like him/her. What film do you suggest
and do you pay for the meal?
GARTH: Why don’t you ask Blazin’ Squad? I’m a grown man. I’ve got body hair. I’d stay home, have a meat platter with my wife Pam, and then make love to her in a conventional manner.

As a born and bred east-ender, what’s your opinion of the gentrification of
areas like Shoreditch, Bethnal Green and Spitalfields?
GARTH: Don’t know. Don’t care. I got out quick and headed for the more cultural climes of Romford. Then I settled down in Barnes. It’s a different world: my neighbour’s Brian May.

What is Garth Marenghi’s perfect night in?
GARTH: A big dinner with the family followed by a personal recital of my macabre verse. Then pudding.